i.just.don't.understand.

i'll apologize in advance because i can see that this is going to be an "intense", yet vague blog post - for good reason. i honestly just need a place to "vent"...a lot of times i'm not the best at communicating my feelings verbally, but i have found that writing can be very therapeutic for me. so here it goes...

my family + friends are very important to me.

have you ever been "at odds" with a person + you initially weren't really sure what exactly they were upset at you about? but...in an effort to reconcile the situation, you "put yourself out there" multiple times by initiating conversations to get to the "bottom" of the issue...aaaaaaand every time you talk to the person you leave the conversation thinking, "okay...maybe now we can move on! this could be the start of new beginnings!", buuuuuuut in subsequent interactions you realize the person is still harboring ill-feelings?

well, that's basically where i've found myself over the past year - actually over a year.

my caveat to this is that no one is perfect - no one - so, i do understand that there are things that i probably could have done differently. the basis of the "disagreement" is the fact that i made a decision with someone else that apparently impacted more than just me + the someone else. my issue with this is that my decision was one done out of LOVE, yet i am basically being prosecuted for it. the rest of the "disagreements" stem from the initial one...and it's just been a spiraling, downhill drop from there.

i honestly have gotten to the point where the "why's" of the situation no longer matter to me...i'd rather be able to agree to disagree, if needed, + move on. i really think that it's unhealthy to keep "rehashing" the past + revisiting conversations that have already been "settled"/discussed or to remain upset about something{s} that you're not willing to talk about. i would much rather focus on the future.

is that a selfish thought?!

maybe it is, but i'm somewhat at a loss because i am the only person in this equation that even makes an attempt to address the issues at hand - and i'm not even the one with the issues. i'm the only one that has made any attempts to call/text/visit/etc to discuss the situation. my frustration with everything is increasing as time goes on because i feel like people are looking to me to make things right, but i can't do it alone. i get the "i wish you two would get along/work it out/go back to the way things were" phone calls, but i wonder if the person in question gets the same calls? my husband is always in my ear about praying about the situation {i thank God for him} + forgiving even when my natural mind doesn't want to, but i wonder if anyone is in the other person's ear...

i got my hopes up a few months ago after our last conversation {which i initiated} because they said they wanted to work on rebuilding our relationship, but i've yet to receive any type of communication from the person {with the exception of one voicemail that was to convey information unrelated to the situation}. right or wrong, i told myself i wasn't going to call anymore - i was going to wait until the person reached out to me as the hand that i've repeatedly extended in an effort to reconcile has.grown.weak + it would be nice to know that the person is willing to at least show some effort in rebuilding the relationship.

sooo...what AM i going to do about it?!?

pray! Pray!! PRAY!!!
a facebook friend of mine posted a video about forgiveness a few weeks ago - it is truly my prayer for my relationship with this person as well as others that have been strained as a result.



change my thinking
during one of our church small group meetings at our house, one of our friends put forgiveness in perspective: Jesus died for all of our sins + He doesn't expect us to even "pay Him back". He loves us unconditionally, yet we still as humans continue to fall short. basically...WHO AM I to not forgive someone when Jesus continually forgives me?!? it's definitely a hard concept to grasp with the natural mind, but in my quest to live my life more like Him, it's what i'm striving for....i'll be the first to admit...i'm not there yet, but at least i'm trying...